It’s time for me to go.
I’ve had an amazing time in Tucson. I’ve made many beautiful friends who I will cherish for my whole life. I’ve had many fine adventures. I’ve learned much, shared much, and received much love here.
I’ve loved my little desert oasis, my colorful little double-wide in Picture Rocks, my gardens, the amazing wildlife, the archaeology, the poetry, the stars!
I’ve loved you, my friends, who have shared so much with me and had so much fun with me, and given my life such joy!
But, it is time for me to go.
At first, I was super excited about the prospect of a life-changing move. Back to my soul’s home. In the mountains. In a tiny hamlet. In a smaller home. Nearer the sea.
Then, I found myself overwhelmed and scared. How was I going to uproot and leave my precious WildHeart Ranch and the amazing Creative Cottage behind? How was I (physically, emotionally, & psychologically) going to pack up an exuberant life-time of treasures and memories to build a new streamlined nest somewhere new?
There have been many moments when my fear of leaving has almost been bigger than my dream of moving on. I’ve wanted to cling to what I know & love. I’ve wanted the best of BOTH worlds. I’ve struggled and second-guessed and often found myself in tears.
But then I realized that this struggle is a vital part of the process. A butterfly has quite a battle breaking out of the chrysalis. A bird works hard to hatch out of an egg. And a soul takes a while to break free of old patterns.
Finally, I’ve come to this.
It is time for me to go.
Life is an adventure. Change brings new gifts and insights. Daring to embrace challenges expands our capacity to grow and learn new things. Stretching increases flexibility. Seeing things with new eyes broadens perspective.
I’ve had a few rough years…first with my own heart attack and then with my Beloved’s terminal illness. Both scared me, made me feel incredibly vulnerable, and reminded me about the ultimate fragility of life.
In lots of ways illness makes your life smaller, more precarious, much less adventurous, and a lot more precious.
But it also helps to refine and clarify what is important. And what is not.
It’s helped me to ask myself some deep, soul-searching questions and to work toward living more fully, more genuinely, more joyfully within the constraints of age and illness.
I’ve been a worker bee all my life. I pour a tremendous amount of energy and attention into everyone I meet and everything I do. I have always been involved in a complex web of careers, causes, creations, and conversations. I burn the candle at both ends and often in the middle. I’m always fully engaged and entirely committed to all that I do.
But it is time to “get real” with the facts. I am entering a new phase. Needing to rest and recharge more frequently. Having to slow down and take better care of myself. Needing to eliminate so much of what I’ve accumulated. Wanting to savor more and stress less.
It’s time for me to go.
The work I’ve been doing on my new home in Julian has been strenuous and demanding. There have been many unexpected delays and setbacks. There have been difficulties and distresses. But there have also been tremendous blessings and unexpected miracles too. My friends have graciously stepped forward to help me and I have been blessed by caring folk who have helped me resolve each momentous problem with professionalism and kindness.
Even when I am scared poop-less, I believe
I know it is time for me to go.
Hard as it is. Exhausting as it is. Scary as it is.
It is time.
I’ve had many beautiful spiritual breakthroughs in this process and my soul is growing each day as my dream gets closer to becoming my new reality.
I’ve learned that…
It’s been soooooo physically demanding that I’ve found myself “running on empty” the last few weeks. Time-lines have had to be dramatically re-adjusted, expectations have had to be significantly pared down, and realities have had to replace hopes.
Plus, I’ve had to factor into the equation that I’m a frazzled, grumpy, broken-down old crone now and not the abundantly energetic, utterly optimistic, completely capable young hippie girl I once was who moved 25 times in her adult life.
But the hardest thing (by far!) is that I hadn’t properly realized how EMOTIONAL all this was going to be! I find myself weeping a whole lot. I can’t sleep for all the things racing around in my head. I have two dozen lists, none of which I can find when I need them. The stress and anxiety sometimes get the better of me. What I would give for a day of creative play at the Cottage with you all, laughing and talking, eating cookies and sipping tea, and just being in the wonderful circle of your loving companionship. Oooops, there I go, crying again.
Soooo, thanks for being patient with me as I struggle through this awkward dance of transformation. Thanks for knowing that your kindness and encouragement mean so much to me. Thanks for knowing this is, perhaps, the hardest thing I’ve ever in my life done (and that’s saying quite a lot!) and I’m not doing it all that well. Thanks for loving me and supporting me and forgiving me and encouraging me anyhow.
More news as it unfolds…
Meanwhile, THANK YOU!
It is time for me to go.
Much Love From Kaitlin
(who is, with your help, singing her way up the very steep mountain toward her dreams)
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