I’ve been in a black and blue funk for a few weeks.
Trying to process lots of stuff and think through many things. I’ve been trying to give myself time. Trying to absorb and digest my feelings. Trying to be gentle with myself. Trying to honor the messy parts…(and, frankly, there are PLENTY of messy parts!)
I’ve been crying a lot, unbidden, over both silly and profound things. Usually the driven, over-achiever, I’ve been lazy and slothful and responsibility shirking. I’ve been wiggling out of kind invitations to do and go. I’ve been caught in a kind of limbo that I’ve not often allowed myself to experience. But, I realize,
It’s a part of who I am–all the messy bits, the tears, the uncertainties, the unfinished projects, the unrealized dreams, the awkward, raggedy, imperfect me!
But after a difficult winter of the soul, I am re-emerging into the warm Spring air,
I am relaxing into the notion that I’ll NEVER have it all together. That I’ll NEVER have everything organized and “under control” and that I’ll never be/have/experience all that I’ve dreamed of.
I’ve begun to realize that…
and it’s okay!
I’m finally learning to accept, that try as I might, stress as much as I do, I’m not ever going to be much more than a happy, loving, creative, compassionate, change-agent, artist, storyteller, poet, activist, nature-loving, wild woman who lives a wonderfully full and well-loved life.
And that is enough.
Our beautiful Sonoran desert has had an abundance of rain and mild weather that has spawned the most glorious wildflower bloom I have seen for many years and, for the first time, I have really slowed down to delight in the joy of it. My Beloved and I have been making time to sit out on our porch in the cool evenings to savor the gorgeous sunsets. I am finding time to garden and read and listen to music with a much keener appreciation. I’m in the middle of a dozen wildly engaging creative projects, strewn all over the house, studio, and yard!
Sometimes there are dishes in the sink. The laundry basket is often full. Once or thrice I’ve left the bed unmade so I could go out to play. This is all new to me. I’ve never been able to ENJOY until the chores are done–and, trust me, they’re NEVER done!
But, at long last, I’ve come to know that to live a full, fun, vibrant life…
The other night, we had a wonderful group of old friends over. For once, I didn’t stress over trying to be a great hostess or crafting a complicated meal. I cobbled together a few of my favorite easy recipes and asked my friends to bring theirs. The table was informal, the dishes were mismatched. We talked and laughed until very late and had the best time! I was left with a heap of dishes that I, very uncharacteristically, put off doing until the next morning because I realized
So, here’s my advice:
It’s waaaaay more fun and it sure beats being worried and stressed and always striving for impossible perfection.
Allow yourself to get out your art supplies and PLAY!
Go check out the wildflowers, catch a sunset, make some art, fly a kite, invite some friends over (even if the house is a mess!), and
I’ve finally figured out that…
I’m glad to count you in that number!
Thanks for loving me and sharing my big, beautiful messy life!
© Copyright, Kaitlin Meadows, 2019. All Rights Reserved.