This Changes Everything

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” Paulo Coelho

livelarge

That has always been my philosophy.

I’ve tried to live by it.

I know how fragile and precious life is.

I know how tentatively we are all here.

But, sometimes,

out of the blue,

everything you thought you knew

changes

and it’s hard to remember

all your fine philosophies.

You get one of those,

“this changes everything” surprises.

Overnight.

Side-swiped by fate.

Blind-sided by bad news.

Real life.

Can’t ignore it.

Can’t wish it away.

Life-changing moments.

100_0134

My Sweetheart has cancer.

It’s not good.

The prognosis is poor.

The treatment options are awful.

His pain is constant and overwhelming.

This.

Changes.

Everything!

It’s easy to get swept up in denial and grief.

It’s hard to stay positive.

But we must face it.

We must puzzle out how best to go forward.

courage love

Life and death.

Not a theoretical discussion anymore.

Not a philosophical inquiry.

What to do–

fight for your life

or make peace with your morality?

At the moment, we’re in the scary netherworld

between diagnosis and game plan.

Stunned.

Scared.

Prone to sudden fits of tears.

Exhausted by the process.

courage 2

We’re weighing options and hunkering down.

It’s hard to project too far in front of us…

 one day at a time,

one day at a time.

We’re in a very fragile state right now.

It consumes our every waking thought.

We’re navigating through the treacherous gauntlet

of tests and scans and blood work and specialists.

We’re praying and hoping and trying not to get pulled under.

We’re “processing” and trying to find our way.

We’re looking for tiny spangles of joy in each day.

We’re loving each other tenderly and fiercely.

brainpickings.org

Sorry that I’ve not been able to form words for it

or use this blog to keep you informed

while I’ve been floundering in the dark.

Don’t think I don’t love you

or that I’m not thinking about you,

my crazy wonderful tribe.

Don’t think I’ve fallen off the edge of the planet

(though sometimes it feels as if I have!)

I’ve just been swept away by big, gully-washin’

boohoos

cuz this fella is sooooo dear to me

and I love him so much.

I tell him

love longer

But I am infinitely grateful

for all the wonderful years we have shared

and I’m committed

to spending every spare moment I can with this remarkable man

who has filled my life with such love.

We’ll travel this path together,

hand in hand,

buoyed by allies and friends

(which includes you!)

who have already swaddled us in compassion and thoughtfulness.

We’re gonna put all our juice into making this process another opportunity for learning and growing and sharing and trusting.

Please understand, it’s hard right now…

we don’t have much energy left for anything else…

superheroes

You can support me best by continuing to sign up for Cottage classes (check them out under the Classes tab) and joining me there for our wonderful brew of creative play and tribal wisdom sharing.

Please support kind teachers like Anne, Judy, and Marnie who have agreed to step up and help me with teaching.

And please send little prayers that Albert manages this transit with his usual wit, courage, and consciousness. 

light tunnel

We are entering the long tunnel

with the fondest hope that we can find the radiant light at the end.

Please stay with me on the journey,

I need you

cuz, in the end,

ram das

Much Love and Gratitude From Kaitlin

cacti bloom

© Copyright, Kaitlin Meadows, 2017. All Rights Reserved.

 

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12 comments on “This Changes Everything

  1. Aw, Kaitie….how heart-breaking. I am so deeply sorry this tidal wave has crashed into your life and Albert’s. Can’t believe you are trying to continue with classes and I understand…it is a break from the tunnel of pain and confusion and feels like something “normal”. May you find the strength and courage you need to navigate this labyrinth of sorrow in the best way possible. I love the picture that says I wish I’d met you sooner and been able to love you longer. Ain’t it the truth? “The lost years”, and yet, perhaps those were what it took to bring you two together so you could enjoy the love you found together. Keep on loving and enjoying each other. Miracles can and do happen. Here’s hopin’ for yours! I do not know what to offer or how to step up to help but know I am willing. I know it’s often hard to ask for help, not even sure of what you need but if you hit on something that you want or need…I’m a phone call/text/or email away. 520-873-8990 and you have the email.

    Blessings to you and Albert. Strength and Courage. Hope and Wisdom. Grace and Peace. Love, Kim

    ________________________________

    • Dearest Kim, your heart-felt offer to help is best served by coming to the Cottage and helping me keep it afloat in the high seas of my life–it’s a place where we can all share & laugh & support one another! Thank you for your love–it means so much! Love Kait

  2. Kaitlin,
    You know how much we love you and Albert. We (Me, Steve, your tribe at the cottage….) are here for you if you need ANYTHING and are sending up loads of prayers and good energy. Marnie

  3. Oh my dear sister Kait, your tribe is with you. I was thinking of the natives walking in the deep snow, taking turns to lead the way so that it was not so hard on one person.
    Thank you for letting us show our love by bearing some of the load.
    We are here sister, hold onto our love.

    • O Dearest Sister–I can remember the surge of Rock Creek, the smell of cedar, the fun of curling up on the sofa with Netflix while slow stitching and giggling. You’ve met the wonderful Cottage tribe and know that they are helping so much and sending you love! Hugs from Sister Kait

  4. Dear Kait,
    I am so sorry to hear that Albert is sick! I have loved hearing about the fun you have together. Sending prayers and positive thoughts. Would love to help out if there is anything I can do.
    Love you, Audrey

  5. Warm loving thoughts and big hugs to you and Albert. Thanks for sharing you have a wonderful way with words……you both are loved by many and we know he could not have a better caregiver than you my friend. Wish is was closer so we could come and give hugs and share some quality time….thanks for the visits as we crossed the US on our drives to & from Savannah through the years. Thank for the memories and love….it’s all about the love…..healing energy and heartfelt love….

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