This Changes Everything

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” Paulo Coelho

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(above image: RobinMeadDesigns at Etsy)

That has always been my philosophy.

I’ve tried to live by it.

I know how fragile and precious life is.

I know how tentatively we are all here.

But, sometimes,

out of the blue,

everything you thought you knew

changes

and it’s hard to remember

all your fine philosophies.

You get one of those,

“this changes everything” surprises.

Overnight.

Side-swiped by fate.

Blind-sided by bad news.

Real life.

Can’t ignore it.

Can’t wish it away.

Life-changing moments.

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My Sweetheart has cancer.

It’s not good.

The prognosis is poor.

The treatment options are awful.

His pain is constant and overwhelming.

This.

Changes.

Everything!

It’s easy to get swept up in denial and grief.

It’s hard to stay positive.

But we must face it.

We must puzzle out how best to go forward.

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Life and death.

Not a theoretical discussion anymore.

Not a philosophical inquiry.

What to do–

fight for your life

or make peace with your morality?

At the moment, we’re in the scary netherworld

between diagnosis and game plan.

Stunned.

Scared.

Prone to sudden fits of tears.

Exhausted by the process.

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We’re weighing options and hunkering down.

It’s hard to project too far in front of us…

 one day at a time,

one day at a time.

We’re in a very fragile state right now.

It consumes our every waking thought.

We’re navigating through the treacherous gauntlet

of tests and scans and blood work and specialists.

We’re praying and hoping and trying not to get pulled under.

We’re “processing” and trying to find our way.

We’re looking for tiny spangles of joy in each day.

We’re loving each other tenderly and fiercely.

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Sorry that I’ve not been able to form words for it

or use this blog to keep you informed

while I’ve been floundering in the dark.

Don’t think I don’t love you

or that I’m not thinking about you,

my crazy wonderful tribe.

Don’t think I’ve fallen off the edge of the planet

(though sometimes it feels as if I have!)

I’ve just been swept away by big, gully-washin’

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cuz this fella is sooooo dear to me

and I love him so much.

I tell him

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But I am infinitely grateful

for all the wonderful years we have shared

and I’m committed

to spending every spare moment I can with this remarkable man

who has filled my life with such love.

We’ll travel this path together,

hand in hand,

buoyed by allies and friends

(which includes you!)

who have already swaddled us in compassion and thoughtfulness.

We’re gonna put all our juice into making this process another opportunity for learning and growing and sharing and trusting.

Please understand, it’s hard right now…

we don’t have much energy left for anything else…

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You can support me best by continuing to sign up for Cottage classes (check them out under the Classes tab) and joining me there for our wonderful brew of creative play and tribal wisdom sharing.

Please support kind teachers like Anne, Judy, and Marnie who have agreed to step up and help me with teaching.

And please send little prayers that Albert manages this transit with his usual wit, courage, and consciousness. 

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We are entering the long tunnel

with the fondest hope that we can find the radiant light at the end.

Please stay with me on the journey,

I need you

cuz, in the end,

ram das

Much Love and Gratitude From Kaitlin

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© Copyright, Kaitlin Meadows, 2017. All Rights Reserved.